Recently I became a mom. This event in itself is terrifying but as I live each day I am learning that it's a journey. Since my induction into motherhood my life has formed somewhat of a routine. I am not a person of habit, but I have managed to figure out the formula for good routine forming.
Every morning I wake up to one of two noises. Screaming or faint gibber gabber coming from down the hall. Once I pull it together enough to get up out of bed without severely harming myself I make the trek down the hall in anticipation of what I will find. Some mornings I am greeted with a big smile and a "Hi" from my little guy who is perfectly content playing with his toys in his crib, waiting for his parents to come and get him so he can start his day. Other mornings I find a broken hearted little man whose mother could not scoop him out of his bed fast enough. Then there are times when we are greeted to a poop smeared little guy in a crib land full of poop where he has just been crowned King of Poop town. Thankfully the newly appointed king gets a free trip to Tub Town where the assistant to the King washes him down. No matter what the circumstances are I always get to have that minute where I am the most amazing person in the world.
There is nothing like that feeling. The feeling of being the solution, the answer. When I scoop up my little pooh face or snuggle my darling boy and look into his eyes I know that I am his hope. As scary as parenting is and my lack of knowledge of how to get this kid to 20 without accident death or racking up counselling bills I realize that he is just as terrified, if not more so as his clueless mother.
This world is new, it's unknown. At least I know what to expect when I hear certain noises or see certain people. He is moving through this world completely unaware and surrendering his trust to me as his parent to make the best decisions for him to keep him safe, well, fed, clothed, and entertained. I am it! I am his dependence.
When I think that thought I cry. No greater responsibility could there be in this world and it's mine. I guess maybe it plays into my insecurities. Finally someone wants me, needs me, and no one else will do. Maybe it's just the fact that only I can light up this face in the morning or calm him before he goes to bed. Whatever the reason is for making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I think about it, I like it.
This situation that terrified me once has now made life exciting. It has made me ready for the next day. Sometimes the most scary of situations make life worth it. It gives it substance. It makes it sweet. My little boy makes life sweeter!