Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Blog Apology

Blogging has taken the back seat lately. It's unfortunate for it because the back seat usually makes me car sick. I guess in a way my blog has expressed nausea. We have pulled the car over and it is sick.

Life is really busy! Sadly too busy that I can't even sit and jot down a few thoughts. We are closing our store which is a tonne of work. It's summer and I am trying to enjoy the sunshine and happiness that comes with it. We are opening our satellite store at a local camp the end of this week. Somewhere I have a child that is probably sporting some kind of jingly, dangle necklace and a head band to accent his diaper. My husband had a heart attack and I need to take care of him to ensure that I am doing all I can to give him a happy, stress free life. That takes a lot out of a person. Not the husband thing, just the busy-ness of life in general.

My body is craving sleep. Usually I am a 9pm to bed, 6:30am to rise type girl. I take pride in that. It's the farm girl in me. Trust me that is as far as the farm runs in me. Ask the hungry chickens, they will tell you. Now I am scrubbing drool off the couch because I nap during the day (this is new for me) and I am in bed whenever and up whenever. I need routine when it comes to my sleep.

Secretly, this post is an apology. That sounds proud, but I am apologizing to myself, as well as the neglected blog. Sorry I didn't give you Gravol. I need to take time for me and you. That is a huge confession. Even though I am built like an ox, it doesn't mean I have the stamina. I need to take a break. I need to de-stress and indulge in the things I enjoy. For me writing is a huge release for my mind and my soul.

Dear Blog,
I am sorry I abandoned you in a time when I should have embraced you. In the moments when I really needed you I turned my back. I caused you pain, I made you appear weak and you are only a reflection of who I am. It's not your fault. Get out of the back seat, put the baggie down and lets cruise together, front seat style. I hope I don't break your heart or my promise again.


Thursday, June 24, 2010

My Son The Parakeet

Lately my son has been changing. He has turned the corner of infant street and is now barrelling down toddler lane. He is fun, he is happy, he is running, chatting and loving life. He is showing us more and more of who he is each day.

One very early morning my son woke up. Of course he woke everyone in the house up with his screams and noises. To make a really long, painful experience short, I ended up taking my son down to the play room to run off some of the energy he had stored up and felt the need to burn off around 2:30am. Being totally exhausted and half hearted about my parenting I came to a point where I didn't care if my son slept, ran outside with the wolves or was in a different country. I just wanted to go back to sleep. Not knowing what to do I grabbed a blanket off the couch and threw it over his head. A desperate move but a brilliant one. As soon as the soft butter like blanket made contact with my sons head he stopped. Frozen. He sat there on the couch completely still, making no noise. I of course was unsure of what was happening. My son had just been climbing, running, crazy all over the place screaming and now he just sat there. Of course I milked the moment as long as possible and then slowly pulled the blanket off his head. Sitting there completely motionless was Ti-J. He had a huge smile on his face and was starring at the ground. Still not moving. I proclaimed the magic word of BOO and he swung his head up and began to laugh. That sweet from the gut laugh.

After that moment he snuggled in and was off to sleep. I don't want to brag but I think I have discovered a new form of parenting. My book will be released this fall entitled "How to Stop the Screaming, Throw Something On It, 10 Steps to Calming and Quieting Your Child Using Household Decor". I think I'm on to something.

The next morning as Ti was playing I made a horrifying discovery. Earlier that day in my attempt to attain peace and quiet I had created a new game. A loved game. Running frantically around the room screaming at the top of his lungs, my son ran to the couch and grabbed the blanket. He put it on his head and went silent.


Not only did I discover this new, really annoying game, but I discovered my son's animal characteristic, he is a parakeet. The lights go out and he goes silent. So now instead of enjoying snuggly time in my blanket I spend hours a day throwing it over my son's head and pulling it off with a "BOO!" It could be worse I guess, and if he is really annoying me I just leave the blanket on his head a little longer than normal. I only have a little longer before he figures out mommy's little trick!


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Horrible Things Are Happening...

I am trying to spice up my blog. Give it a face lift if you will. Unfortunately in my attempt to make this page look hip and relevant, maybe even have a slight post modern, emerging feel I have made it look like a bad couch pattern or the photos on a camera after the cat had it.

Bare with me. Good things are to come, it's just not in my timing.


Friday, June 18, 2010

Life lately...

It's been a while since I have written. I assume the chaos that I call my daily life has acted as a barrier not allowing me to take those few minutes for me. So now seems like the perfect time.

I am in a state of peace right now. God given of course. It's the wee hours of the morning, I'm in a strange city, my child is miles and miles away. My husband and i don't even attempt to share a bed in this hotel room. Thank you Jesus for seperate beds.

Across the room he sleeps. Across the room from him I update my blog via the all glorious iPhone.

I don't really know where to begin. It seems like I have been caught up in a whirlwind of fear, anxiety, desperation, existing, sleeplessness and exhaustion. All nicely garnished with sprinkles of joy, laughter, love, glimmers of hope and an abundance of prayer.

If I can update you on my life and only have one statement to do so I say this. Prayer works. And ps, I have learned in times of trial and uncertainty people of all mind sets and faiths feel an inate nudge to lift you up to a higher being. I just take that in and process it as God. I justify that by saying God is all knowing and a prayer can be a thought, so whether that someone knows it or not God has heard my cry.

Things are complicated and I feel as though my heap of mess keeps growing. Very similarily to the laundry pile although this heap is not managable by me. I can't throw everything in a machine, flick some dials and have the pain and tears come out in the wash.

Never did I imagine that at age 24 would I be sitting at my husband's bedside hearing the news I did this week. Becoming that woman who
sits in waiting rooms, waiting to hear from doctors, searching nurses faces for hope and trusting tests for answers.

Today was a good day. We found out positive results about Jim. Nothing etched answers in stone but our minds have been relieved slightly.
A rude awakening is what I will call this. Reality check.

Life has been in shambles and I feel as though I stumble around gathering pieces trying to fix it...
Always trying to fix it.
I don't know why I do that because as this week showed I don't need to worry about those pieces. If they are necessary they will be put back in place.

So much is still uncertain. Many burdens I still bare. I lay here enjoying not sleeping because time seems to move a lit slower when concious. When everything is said and done here tomorrow I will pack up and head home and all those problems will meet me at the door. I dread it but it's part of life.

Some things seem insignificant now. All that matters is I have my husband and my child has his father. Others are still mountains but thankfully I have Jim to walk through those with me.

We will figure this out. One step at a time. One faithful step at a time.

None of this truly makes sense. Not much in life does. The victories get lost and despair takes center stage and nothing could be more depressing. I know that if I search I will find you in everything. There is always a glimmer. Somewhere I will always see your face. It is having the patience and fight to look. When it feels like all I do is exist that makes it even harder but I have seen this week sometimes the fight needs to be spurred on by love, family, and friends. After finding out good news it's easy to say thank you but I think even if it had been negative I would still say thanks. I've been thinking about that. I've seen your face more the last couple of days than i have in a while.
That's break through for some of the other stuff we have been facing. Life doesn't seem at a stand still as much. So thanks. Thanks for bringing Jim through and let's get him healthy again. Me too. My little guy needs his parents. Thanks for friends who have showed us they
care, people who have reached out in compassion, family who have rearranged life to help, the blessing of finance and all those little things that maybe I have missed but have happened souly because of you. Thanks


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Switch Yard BBQ

On Friday of this week a large group of people will meet on the boundary of the snowmobile tracks and the yard of the youth drop in center in Bancroft.

Many different walks of life will be represented. The church crowd will be out in full force, the community crowd will be well represented too.

The BBQ's will be hot, the burgers will be flying. Conversation will erupt from the crowd and the people will genuinely enjoy themselves.

All involved will be run off their feet making sure food supply is topped up, things run smoothly, nothing is forgotten.

The silent auction will pit one person against another, the live auction will get heated and in the end the Switch Yard will benefit from these battles.

If you don't know what the Switch Yard is, I will explain it like this. The Switch Yard is a group of people who are friends. They reach out in love to meet relational, social and spiritual needs. .

Come out on Friday evening @ 5:30pm and support the Switch Yard. If you can't make it feel free to send a donation, and pass the word on to someone you know.

Hope to see you there!


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

God Never Made the Cover of US Weekly

This world is all about fast paced, high profile, scandalous relationships. Everyone takes a second glance in the grocery store line at the titles and late breaking stories about whoever is lucky enough to grace the covers today. Entertainment news is more intently viewed than the happenings of our world. (Not a statistic, just my opinion.)

As a woman, speaking purely for myself this way of life is fascinating. I didn't date much, and by much I mean at all. My husband was my first boyfriend.


For me I get caught up in the romantic, fairy tale side of this persona.

It all seems so glamorous.

She's dating him and he's dating her and they were spotted together here.

The rush that comes from this whirlwind fantasy is far more than I can ever imagine. It's like watching romances play out on the big screen. My heart skips a beat watching boy and girl fall in love, and seeing how passionate they are for one another. How they can't even breathe with out each other.

Big sigh...

Usually once all the hype is gone I am left in tears, believing that this is real. Maybe for some it is. In my life experience I have never seen this. My romance unfolded much differently. It sprouted from innocent conversation, grew threw jealous hatred, church politics and sparked in a great friendship. Not usually how Hollywood portrays it. We are unique.

As I grow up and mature I see the layers begin to peel away. They reveal the destitution of the Hollywood lifestyle. How crushing it is when the butterflies fly away and leave the heart longing for more.

We see this everyday. This devastation lives in the eyes of the divorced, the betrayed and the abandoned.

A few weeks ago I was listening to the song "How He Loves" sung by The David Crowder Band. I felt so connected to everything loving as I listened. It took me on a journey of thought. I imagined God as that really nice guy in your life. The one who is always there, never pushy, always inspiring and helpful. You call him friend and would never think of being anything more because he is such a nice guy. Then one day you see him and something inside switches. He is a little more handsome, goosebumps appear and you get that sick, on a boat feeling in your gut. Never before have you felt it but now you do.

This is more like my story.

This probably sounds weird but bare with me. He is always there, he is always faithful. Looking out for what is best for you not because it makes him the hero but because he truly cares for you. He seems to always know what to do. He never tries to push you into things you don't want to do but in the end his way is best.

As I pictured God as this boy I started to put the pieces together. God's desired romance with us will never make the cover of US or OK!. He is too genuine. Yet his relationship with us will be more scandalous, more exciting and something the world should want to be a part of. It should be on every gossip chain.

That's God. He has allowed us free will. We have the ability to chose what we want. The world is our oyster. Even though we have this freedom our decisions are not always the best for us.

He calls us his love and we should call him our first love and we don't. (When I say we, I mean me but I just don't want to feel the guilt).

He is always there, always faithful, his way is the best not because he is the hero but because he truly loves you. Me. He never pushes his love on but in that moment when you recognize him, as God, almighty and he gives you those goosebumps life will change. He is there willing to reciprocate.

That sounds really flowery. Flowers are beautiful and misunderstood. So I guess God can easily be compared.

Now to finish the love story and to get to the "happily ever after."

The boy, the friend, the love story that has been created. All is nice and fine but trouble brews. Temptation comes, conflict happens, goosebumps leave, butterflies end up in car grills. Running seems like the option but it isn't. Running away isn't anyways, running to for me seems like the best option. Coming together, working through these times and becoming strong together.

God wants that too. Our person to person relationships are reflections of what we are to have with God. God just seems more daunting. He's all knowing, he's everywhere, he controls lightening. Maybe running is the best option. Even though we think this way God is longing for us to turn and run into his arms. He wants us to curl up on his lap and he will sing us to sleep.

How he loves... Oh how he loves.


The Huffy Face

I think I am in trouble.

This morning my son, who was out right disobeying and knowing that he was, while standing in the bath tub after me repeatedly sitting him down, looked me straight in the eye and started to make his "huffy" face. For you who have never experienced the "huffy" face let me explain.

Ti-James, when trying to express himself makes a face, where he scrunches up his nose and breathes in and out very heavily. He sounds as though he can not breathe and continues to do this while shrugging his shoulders up and down to emphasize his point.

So my moment of discipline was reciprocated with the "huffy" face. While making this gesture my son discovered that he can not only express to me his disgust with my request through his facial expression but can also blow snot out of his nose at the same time.

At this moment a piece of me died. I am not a fan of boogers. They make me feel nauseous and they activate my gag reflex. While I was trying to make my son sit down in the bath tub so he didn't fall and crack his head open he was retaliating and using my weakness against me.

I don't think we give kids enough credit. Even though Ti-James spends some time sitting in his own feces, eats mostly pureed food and can't string words together to form a sentence his intelligence is not unworthy of praise.

My son is shifty. He is appropriately referred to as the trickster. I am in for it.

A simple morning bath, that usually happens without any fight, left me a crumpled mess on the floor, shouting for my husband, "Jim come quickly the wee one knows my weakness."

Oh the life of a parent.