Friday, June 18, 2010

Life lately...

It's been a while since I have written. I assume the chaos that I call my daily life has acted as a barrier not allowing me to take those few minutes for me. So now seems like the perfect time.

I am in a state of peace right now. God given of course. It's the wee hours of the morning, I'm in a strange city, my child is miles and miles away. My husband and i don't even attempt to share a bed in this hotel room. Thank you Jesus for seperate beds.

Across the room he sleeps. Across the room from him I update my blog via the all glorious iPhone.

I don't really know where to begin. It seems like I have been caught up in a whirlwind of fear, anxiety, desperation, existing, sleeplessness and exhaustion. All nicely garnished with sprinkles of joy, laughter, love, glimmers of hope and an abundance of prayer.

If I can update you on my life and only have one statement to do so I say this. Prayer works. And ps, I have learned in times of trial and uncertainty people of all mind sets and faiths feel an inate nudge to lift you up to a higher being. I just take that in and process it as God. I justify that by saying God is all knowing and a prayer can be a thought, so whether that someone knows it or not God has heard my cry.

Things are complicated and I feel as though my heap of mess keeps growing. Very similarily to the laundry pile although this heap is not managable by me. I can't throw everything in a machine, flick some dials and have the pain and tears come out in the wash.

Never did I imagine that at age 24 would I be sitting at my husband's bedside hearing the news I did this week. Becoming that woman who
sits in waiting rooms, waiting to hear from doctors, searching nurses faces for hope and trusting tests for answers.

Today was a good day. We found out positive results about Jim. Nothing etched answers in stone but our minds have been relieved slightly.
A rude awakening is what I will call this. Reality check.

Life has been in shambles and I feel as though I stumble around gathering pieces trying to fix it...
Always trying to fix it.
I don't know why I do that because as this week showed I don't need to worry about those pieces. If they are necessary they will be put back in place.

So much is still uncertain. Many burdens I still bare. I lay here enjoying not sleeping because time seems to move a lit slower when concious. When everything is said and done here tomorrow I will pack up and head home and all those problems will meet me at the door. I dread it but it's part of life.

Some things seem insignificant now. All that matters is I have my husband and my child has his father. Others are still mountains but thankfully I have Jim to walk through those with me.

We will figure this out. One step at a time. One faithful step at a time.

None of this truly makes sense. Not much in life does. The victories get lost and despair takes center stage and nothing could be more depressing. I know that if I search I will find you in everything. There is always a glimmer. Somewhere I will always see your face. It is having the patience and fight to look. When it feels like all I do is exist that makes it even harder but I have seen this week sometimes the fight needs to be spurred on by love, family, and friends. After finding out good news it's easy to say thank you but I think even if it had been negative I would still say thanks. I've been thinking about that. I've seen your face more the last couple of days than i have in a while.
That's break through for some of the other stuff we have been facing. Life doesn't seem at a stand still as much. So thanks. Thanks for bringing Jim through and let's get him healthy again. Me too. My little guy needs his parents. Thanks for friends who have showed us they
care, people who have reached out in compassion, family who have rearranged life to help, the blessing of finance and all those little things that maybe I have missed but have happened souly because of you. Thanks


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