My little guy.
I love the kid, he's a part of me but it is taking day upon day for me to understand who this little person is. I always assumed because he held a part of my DNA I would “get” him. Furthest from the truth. Every day we spend together is a new look at who he is as a person and a real examination into who I am.
Ti is heavily immersed in the art of imitation. He shocks us all the time with his new sayings or actions that he has picked up somewhere along his travels. Usually they are easily identifiable. He resembles someone we know.
I see a lot of me.
When he runs to the piano to “play” a song, or sits and draws a picture. When he unloads the cupboards and pretends to create some kind of eatable masterpiece it's like looking in the mirror. He drops words that I never thought those little ears would hear all the way from the kitchen and mimics the way I present myself or perform a task.
He always has to double check the dryer...
This morning after I put Ti down for his nap I went to one of my safe places. I sat in front of my piano and talked to God and played. I was singing a Tim Hughes song that I love and one of the lines popped out and became so real as the words passed my lips.
“Lord will you be my vision, will you be my guide, be my hope and light, be the way.”
As I belted those lyrics out the reflection of the sun on the roof came through the window so brightly that I couldn't see the keys in front of me. I pushed through and continued to sing,
“I will follow, I will follow you”
I stopped my song and got up from the piano. I walked to my computer and now I sit here hashing through what this means.
We are the light in our world. We are how many will see the face of God. But when they see His face will they recognize it? Will they see love, peace, joy, gentleness, kindness, faithfulness, patience, goodness? Or do they see inadequacy, hatred, malice, bitterness, hypocrisy, rudeness, self absorption and judgment?
When I sit back and watch my little guy and see the positive qualities I possess surface in his personality it makes me happy. I feel like I have done my job as his parent to prepare him for the world. But when I hear him utter the word “stupid” I suddenly see the imprint my human nature is making on his little life. He watches me, he drinks my every word and absorbs my every action. He reacts as I do, he focuses on me as I do or do not on him. My son looks to me in the way I should look to God.
Sometimes believing we are children of God gives us silent permission to ignore Him. I know sometimes God becomes my default and I use Him as my “get out of (fill in blank)” card. But looking at my earthly mother-son interaction I see the picture of what my relationship with God should be. We are told that we are made in His image but like with my son the example is learned based on the amount of time and moments engaged together. Just because I am made in His image doesn't mean I “get” Him. Many children exist in our world who hold DNA of a parent that will never be made known to them, they possess qualities of their biological donor but without the nurture sometimes those qualities dissolve and they never really understand who they are.
I need to focus on God and spend daily encounters understanding who He is. Peeling away the layers of religion and assumption and begin believing in the heart of God, taking my daily glimpse of who he is and examining who I really am.
My time with my son is precious. Each stage, each tantrum, all with perspective is good. Through these daily exchanges I am developing a life long bond that is held with unconditional love and grace. As I move forward in life I pray I am as attentive to God, allowing Him to be my hope, my light and my way, as I am to the person my son is becoming. If I live a life that is holy and pleasing, putting God first and being the light in this world that I need to be then when I look at my son and who He has become I will no longer see myself but I will see the face of God.