Thursday, September 15, 2011

Precious Sounds in My Ear Shot

It's 3:45am. I have been awake for almost 2 hours now. This doesn't please me. I was hoping that tonight I would sleep soundly and wake refreshed and renewed. That isn't happening. I will probably wake (assuming I fall asleep again) agitated, with a coffee cup in my hand. On days like the one I am about to face I like to call it survival juice.

In my 2 hours of being awake I have laid very stil trying to fall back to sleep, facebook has been thoroughly snooped. I've been the creepy spouse watching my husband sleep. Ive made multiple bathroom runs, caught up on some email responses and googled current events. I've tried to plan the week ahead of me, thought I was in labour, cried a little, thought of witty comebacks to fictitious comments and scenarios. I have picked out my clothes for work today, thought through my options for lunch, tried to figure out how 1 waffle will feed 4 people (thank God for fractions) and adjusted my pillow multiple times.

Now I'm blogging.

While I've been trying to take my mind off of the reality that keeps me awake I hear something breaking through this dark, peaceful time of our day that most of us miss because we are asleep. From down the hall I hear noises. There are sounds of laughter, some chatting, banging of the crib by little chubby feet.

Magical noises.

My 2 1/2 year old is asleep in his room and I am experiencing his night time adventure just by laying here. Things I never even thought of before because I
was too tired, too busy, too selfish I am hearing, maybe not for the first time but I am appreciating it at this crazy hour.

He's so precious. As I listen to him sleeping he isn't just this minature person who cant use a toilet and tags along every where we go, he's human. He dreams st night like we do and laughs about them. He chats in his sleep just like his daddy. He wakes up and feels safe enough to roll over and go back to sleep. He's growing up and maturing.

I remember lots of nights hearing him wake and feeling nauseous because I knew I was going to be awake for the next 2-3 hours, trying to make my creative juices flow so I could comfort, soothe and lull my unsettled, insecure baby back to sleep.

Now I am laying here, partly of my own will taking in his sounds. Finding pleasure in his night time babble. Part of me wants to go down the hall and watch him because I have fallen in love with this boy again. As I lay here I can picture how adorable he must look in his little Elmo pj's all snuggly in his bed. While I feel all warm and fuzzy about my sweet boy the other part of me wants to slap that idea out of my head and maybe hit hard enough to put me back to sleep.

Im having a proud mom moment. Something good has come out of my inability to sleep tonight. I have listened to my son in peace. His relaxed noises have let me know he feels safe and finds comfort in our home. He enjoys his sleep and has little to no fear of his surroundings. I had a part in that. All those nights of rocking and singing to him, rubbing his back, talking to him, holding him and walking the floor has paid off. Those hours of love poured out while sleep was lost created something beautiful. My precious little man feels secure.

That's a proud 4:09am mom moment.


Friday, September 9, 2011

Baby Days

I'm pregnant. Actually I have been for 37 weeks.

I remember the day I realized I was pregnant with baby #2. There was not an ounce of excitement in me, the news hit hard. I had just started a job that I really felt allowed me to use my gifts and made me feel knowledgable, my almost two year old had started to settle into a routine I could handle and I felt that after almost 3 years of sacrificing my life I was allowed to step into my old shoes and take some pride in me again.


The morning sickness began, although I cant complain too much except once again I was living on someone else's schedule having to accept the responsibility for their demands. Reality check, this is my life.

Some how I remained naive believing that the next 9 months would be the slowest of my life.

I have 3 weeks left. My home is in shambles. I am still working. I have a 2 1/2 year old that occupies a large percentage of my life. Hormones are in full swing, and with every step I take I can feel parts of my body bend and stretch in ways I had no idea were possible.

3 weeks.

The nursery is still a dream. My sanctuary (bedroom) is torn apart, clothes baskets create a challenge course throughout my home and my son desperately wants to watch "mightning aqueen" again for the 100th time today.

As for me I lay here in bed, sore and grumpy. I don't know how 5 o'clock got here
already today. I feel as though I have accomplished nothing and therefore I have let down my husband, my son and my unborn.

I am not ready to have another little being call me mommy. In my heart I can't wait to see her little face, count her little toes and tell her I love her for the first time face to face but I feel like I need 9 more months to get ready. I'm afraid to bring her home because I don't know where to put her. No where in my home is there a place for her except for in my arms.

I'm tired. I'm weary. I'm scared. Over the next 3 weeks please pray for me. This little girl who rules my body will soon dramatically alter my families life forever. Never again will we be 3, just like when my son was born we were no longer 2. From the moment she lets out her first cry, this chapter ends and we move forward into this new stage.

I'm still scared. Please pray.