Friday, September 9, 2011

Baby Days

I'm pregnant. Actually I have been for 37 weeks.

I remember the day I realized I was pregnant with baby #2. There was not an ounce of excitement in me, the news hit hard. I had just started a job that I really felt allowed me to use my gifts and made me feel knowledgable, my almost two year old had started to settle into a routine I could handle and I felt that after almost 3 years of sacrificing my life I was allowed to step into my old shoes and take some pride in me again.

Wrong.

The morning sickness began, although I cant complain too much except once again I was living on someone else's schedule having to accept the responsibility for their demands. Reality check, this is my life.

Some how I remained naive believing that the next 9 months would be the slowest of my life.

I have 3 weeks left. My home is in shambles. I am still working. I have a 2 1/2 year old that occupies a large percentage of my life. Hormones are in full swing, and with every step I take I can feel parts of my body bend and stretch in ways I had no idea were possible.

3 weeks.

The nursery is still a dream. My sanctuary (bedroom) is torn apart, clothes baskets create a challenge course throughout my home and my son desperately wants to watch "mightning aqueen" again for the 100th time today.

As for me I lay here in bed, sore and grumpy. I don't know how 5 o'clock got here
already today. I feel as though I have accomplished nothing and therefore I have let down my husband, my son and my unborn.

I am not ready to have another little being call me mommy. In my heart I can't wait to see her little face, count her little toes and tell her I love her for the first time face to face but I feel like I need 9 more months to get ready. I'm afraid to bring her home because I don't know where to put her. No where in my home is there a place for her except for in my arms.

I'm tired. I'm weary. I'm scared. Over the next 3 weeks please pray for me. This little girl who rules my body will soon dramatically alter my families life forever. Never again will we be 3, just like when my son was born we were no longer 2. From the moment she lets out her first cry, this chapter ends and we move forward into this new stage.

I'm still scared. Please pray.

L

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